"Top of the Bill” performers appear in starlight serenade forty minutes of music, song and dance. The international "side splitting" act of Wilson Keppel and Betty in their ludicrous sand dance is one of the highlights of the production.

TITLE CREDITS:
STARLIGHT SERENADE

With:
- Brian Michie
- Beryl Davis
- Ike Hatch
- De Haven and Page
- Wilson, Keppel and Betty
- Oscar Rabin
- Harry Davis
- Johnny Dennis with his electric guitar
- Eddie Palmer with his novachord
- The Starlight Serenaders
- Ted Hockeridge (by courtesy of the Royal Canadian Air Force)
- and introducing Bonar Colleano

Photography: Oscar Burn
Script: Sid Colin
Scenario: Dennis Kavanagh, Glenda Baim
Camera Operators ; Tony McCarthy, Ray Densham
Make-Up: Harry Davo
Sound Engineer: D. Farge
Musical Direction and Arrangement: Art Strauss
Produced by: Harold Baim
Directed by: Kavanagh

SCRIPT

Perfidia (m.Alberto Dominguez Eng.w.Milton Leeds)
i) ‘The Starlight Serenaders’ (quartet*)
ii) Ted (Edmund) Hockridge (acc. quartet)

Jimmy: Nice. Okay, JB.

JB: Okay, Jimmy. Only get those greens out of the towers. They looked as dead as mutton. What now? Oh, yes, it's Mr. Michie there.

Jimmy: Oh, Mr. ​Michie on the stage, please.

Brian: Yes, JB.

Jimmy: Oh, Brian, look, when you come on, just give it. That something for me, will you? And for the love of Pete, get those entrances right. We'll take it right through. Remember, this is a dress rehearsal. Okay. Let's go.

Brian: Right. Lights, please. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet 12 stone art of melody and fun. The man who took the sun right out of the sunny south. And put it into a smile. That Kentucky minstrel boy himself, Richard Tauber in Technicolor. Yowsah. It's Ike Hatch.

Ike: Yowsah. Let's get organized.

(Ol’) Rockin’ Chair (m&w Hoagy Carmichael)
s) Ike Hatch (acc.trio - piano gtr.& bass)

Ike: Well, alright. You know folks, I just love to sing. Yes, I love to sing. My pappy was a singer. He sure enough, was. My pappy. My pappy had one of those baritone voices. You know, he's the only baritone tenor in the world. Well, he had one of them heavy voices, if you know what I mean. Well, it was so heavy that Pappy got bowlegged carrying it around. I remember Pappy singing a sad song once in a concert out West, and it was sure enough a sad song.

Ike: Man, that song was so sad that the man in the first row tried to commit suicide. He drew out his gun and shot himself twice, but missed. And do you know that bullet went right past Pappy's head? Oh yes. He was the funniest man you ever seen, my pappy was. He sure enough was. Oh, you know, we certainly did have some good times. Some of them were sad, and some of them were happy. More'o 'em was happy, More especially on a Saturday night.

When Saturday Night comes round
s) Hatch (acc piano)

Bonar: Well call me Shorty.

Ike: Well alright! Hey, man, I'm like the crowd. I'm cutting out. What's cooking?

Bonar: I'm like the bear. I ain't nowhere.

Ike: Well, shoot the flipper to me. Dipper.

Bonar: Well, alreet,

Ike: Well alroot.

Bonar: Dig me

Ike: Dig me. I'll see you at the jump joint Jive hound.

Bonar: Okay. So long. Gator.

Beryl: What was that? Basic English.

Bonar: That honey child was a verbal jam session. And now how about a ditty, pretty?

Beryl: Well, sir, if you all will kindly evaporate, this here gal will try and endeavor to give you all that perfectly scrumptious ballad entitled. "Just whistling and whistling".

Bonar: My, my, I can almost taste the molasses. Nice pickin' chicken.

Just a-whistlin’ and a-whittlin’ (..and watchin’ the world go by) (m.Ralph Rainger w.Leo Robin)
s) Beryl Davis (acc quartet)

Bonar: That was delightful, Beryl. Delightful.

Beryl: Well, thank you Bonar.

Bonar: Say Beryl, how about a little supper after the show tonight?

Beryl: And maybe a few drinks?

Bonar: Sure, just a...

Beryl: And then on to a nightclub?

Bonar: Well, I ...

Beryl: And then your flat? Soft lights and champagne.

Bonar: Well, no, Beryl, I didn't mean anything like that, exactly. All I meant was just a nice, quiet little supper someplace. Then I'll see you safely home to your door.

Beryl: Oh, brother, you just talked yourself out of a date.

Brian: I say, what's going on there?

Bonar: Uh oh. Here comes Mr. "five by six". Beryl, this is a man's job. Get going.

Beryl: What for?

Bonar: Go find me a man. Ah, now listen, wise guy. There's only one boss around here, and that's me. See you get the tight spot. What do you do? You start blasting. Well, this is a sweet little racket, ain't none of you guys gonna mess it up. See? Okay, scram. Well, don't you get it?

Brian: I don't get it, as you so quaintly put it. And I think you're a very aggressive young man.

Bonar: Edward G. Robinson. Edward G. Robinson.

Brian: Well, who's that? One of your disreputable friends, I suppose.

Bonar: Jumpin' Captain. Don't you ever go to the movies? The pictures? The flicks?

Brian: Oh, the cinema. I used to go, but someone tells me they're going to make the stupid things talk, so I'm not going anymore. Heaven knows what they'll think of next.

Bonar: Would you really like to know what the future holds in store?

Brian: I certainly should.

Bonar: My card.

Brian: Bonar Colleano, attorney at law. Crime doesn't pay, but when it does, I get 10%.

Bonar: It's the wrong Card!

Brian: The Great Colleano. See what the future has in store. No future, no charge.

Bonar: Pardon me, customers. I was just looking. Well, I was just looking.

Betty: Yes, I know you were just looking.

Bonar: Yeah.

Betty: What's the matter, hangover?

Bonar: Mm. No. This? No. No. What I meant to say was, uh, would you like to have some. I mean, would you like to have your fortune told?

Betty: No tricks.

Bonar: No, no tricks. If only I had a crystal. A crystal. Ah, the crystal begins to clear. I see, yes, I see a lover. I see two lovers. One of them is you.

Betty: A lover?

Bonar: He's dark,

Betty: Dark?

Bonar:.. and romantic.

Betty: And romantic.

Bonar: He has flashing eyes.

Betty: Isn't his nose rather long?

Bonar: Nose? No, I think it's very nice. Ahh, the scene begins to change. I see, I see the blue Mediterranean, I see a ship. You were on it. You're traveling first class. With a third class ticket. I see swaying palms, giant pyramids, the beauty, the mist. It's a nice place. Golden sands stretch away to the blue horizon.

‘Cleopatra’s Nightmare’ (incl. Chime Dance & In the Hall of the Mountain King (Grieg) etc)
d) Wilson, Keppel & Betty (Patsy Knox)

Bonar: You know, Betty, I was just thinking.

Betty: Yes, I know. You beast!

Bonar: Ouch.

DeHaven: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Bonar: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

DeHaven: Sorry. Bonar. Take a card.

Bonar: What's this? More fortunes.

DeHaven: It's a trick.

Bonar: Oh, trick. Huh? Does it work?

DeHaven: You bet it does. Put it back in the deck.

Bonar: Put it back.

DeHaven: Now I shuffle them.

Bonar: You shuffle. Don't shuffle very well, do you?

DeHaven: Not really. Is that it?

Bonar: I don't know, I didn't look.

DeHaven: Oh, why didn't you?

Bonar: Well, you didn't ask me to look.

DeHaven: Alright, alright. Take a card. Look at it.

Bonar: Yes, yes.

DeHaven: How can I tell you what it is if you don't look?

Bonar: Three of clubs.

DeHaven: No, don't tell me.

Bonar: Don't tell you. What are you asking me questions for?

DeHaven: Alright, take a card. Look at it.

Bonar: Yes.

DeHaven: Put it back in the deck. Now,is that it?

Bonar: Uh uh, I mustn't say.

DeHaven: But please, tell me, is that it?

Bonar: No, no, no doin' it. Last time I told you, I got into trouble. I'm not going to tell you again.

DeHaven: Now look here, Bonar, for the last time, take a card. Look at it. Don't tell me what it is. Put it back in the deck. Then when I ask you, tell me.

Bonar: I wish you'd make up your mind. A good laugh is worth a lot of money at this point.

DeHaven: Is that it?

Bonar: uh, uh.

DeHaven: But my dear friend, it must be.

Bonar: It isn't. Is that it? It's an old gag, we were stuck.

DeHaven: Clever guy! Ladies and gentlemen. Quiet back there. Ladies and.. Please, quiet back there.

Frenesi (m.Alberto Dominguez Eng.w.Sidney K.Russell & Ray Charles)
s) Beryl Davis acc. quartet incl. Johnny Denis (whistler & gtr)

DeHaven: What is this? Oh, I don't need your applause. I can get all the applause I require with my tricks. I've told you I don't need your applause.

Page: I'm not applauding.

DeHaven: No?

Page: No. My hands are cold.

DeHaven: Never mind your hands. What's your business?

Page: I'm a newspaper reporter.

DeHaven: What newspaper?

Page: I represent a tri-weekly.

DeHaven: But what is a tri-weekly?

Page: It's a paper that comes out this week and tries to come out again next week.

DeHaven: Ah, ha! No use to me.

DeHaven: No.

DeHaven: I like a paper with a lot of grit.

Page: Have you tried sandpaper?

DeHaven: I mean, a paper you can stick to?

Page: You mean fly paper?

DeHaven: Oh. Dry up.

Page: What?

DeHaven: Dry up.

Page: Blotting paper.

DeHaven: You're drunk.

Page: You're jealous.

DeHaven: For two pins I'd throw you outside.

Page: Oh, no you wouldn't.

DeHaven: Oh, yes I would.

Page: Oh no you wouldn't.

DeHaven: Oh yes I would.

Page: Oh, perhaps you might.

DeHaven: Why don't you run home to your wife?

Page: She's out with her sweetheart.

DeHaven: Do you mean to tell me you allow another man to take your wife out?

Page: Allow it? Blimey, I'd pay him.

DeHaven: Where were you when brains were given out?

Page: I wasn't there. What's your excuse?

DeHaven: If you're going to stay, does it matter if I get on with these?

Page: What are you going to do with them?

DeHaven: What would you like me to do with them? Oh, this is terrible.

Page: You're telling me. I say you've had a lot to say for yourself. What's your contribution to this war effort?

DeHaven: If it's anything to you, I've offered my blood for transfusion.

Page: They want blood, not beer.

DeHaven: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I have here an ordinary pack of playing cards, 52 in number. Would any lady or gentleman kindly call me out one card from the pack?.

audience: ten of diamonds!

DeHaven: Thank you sir. Everyone heard that gentlemen call for the ten of diamonds? Watch me very closely. The ten of diamonds. Quite right, sir.

Page: I'll show you a card trick. Wait a minute. Wait. Here, look, what's this? The Queen of hearts. The seven of spades. The king of clubs. The four of hearts.

DeHaven: Where are the cards?

Page: Oh, I can't do it with the cards.

DeHaven: Now, my next experiment requires a few properties. Over here I have a bottle.

Page: Where?

DeHaven: You've had enough. And a perfectly empty cylinder. Empty. Empty. I cover up the bottle like so.

Page: Like so.

DeHaven: And over here, I have a small drinking cup,

Page: A little cup.

DeHaven: I cover the cup up.

Page: He covers the cup up.

DeHaven: I cover the cup up,

Page: He covers the pup up.

DeHaven: Shut up!

Page: Shut up!

DeHaven: I say the magic word. Gazar zar zar. And there we have the bottle,

Page: The bottle.

DeHaven: And over here.

Page: And over there,

DeHaven: the small drinking cup.

Page: A very excellent trick indeed, professor.

DeHaven: Now that is only one of the bottles I am going..

Page: We had the small drinking cup, the cup and the bottle and the...

DeHaven: Come over here. I shall now try to prove to you that we all have psychic powers.

Page: Psychic powers?

DeHaven: I'm going to mesmerize you.

Page: If you do, I'll paralyze you.

DeHaven: Quiet. After I've mesmerized you, you can tell me the name of any person I select.

Page: It shall be done.

DeHaven: Now look me straight in the face. Look me straight in the face.

Page: I've got my own troubles. What was that?

DeHaven: You are now in a state of fandandication. Tell me that gentleman's name.

Page: Roundtree.

DeHaven: How do you know his name's Roundtree?

Page: I can see his clear gums.

DeHaven: Now, for a topical phenomenon.

Page: Are your teeth loose?

DeHaven: I've got the wife's in.

Page: Sorry?

DeHaven: This way, little one. You see those four names? In the early stages of the war, those names were outside a newspaper office, and two kiddies were reading them. The first kiddie looked at the names and said; Out of those four, which will win? The second kiddie said; I don't know, ask 'em. The first kiddie said, "I will". And he wrote his question underneath their names, like this. Wich'll win. Now there is the way the kid he wrote his question. Here is the way he obtained the answer. There you are. You hardly expected that.

DeHaven: I didn't. Do you dance?

Page: Yes.

DeHaven: Very well, we'll sing.

Page: What shall we sing?

DeHaven: A little song dedicated to my mother-in-law's varicose veins entitled Deep Purple.

Down Forget-me-not Lane (m&w Reg Morgan & Charlie Chester)
(Billy) DeHaven & (Dandy) Page (patter & song) (acc. novacord & dr.)

Bonar: I see "Gone with the Wind" is still running. Is there a Doctor Livingston in the house? Oh, no. Spencer Tracy got him. The producer of this show has asked me to tell you something about my life of adventure, or "from Vice Admiral to Vice cabin boy in 12 years". As you no doubt know, I have a reputation for being a great traveller. Well, anyway, I have a reputation. And at the age of three, my parents ran away from home. Except for a brief spell as a landlubber. 18 months to be exact. I was framed, so help me. I've been travelling ever since. Ties, vacuum cleaners, boy scouts outfits, ladies underwear, anything I could lay my hands on. Finally, after those hectic years of globetrotting, I thought I'd like a little peace and quiet, so I paid my income tax and went to Hollywood. Now in Hollywood, as you probably know, you always get two things for the price of one. For example, when you go to get married, you give the man so much and then when you feel like it, you go back and get a divorce without any extra charge.

Bonar: The weather, the beautiful weather, the sunshine, the flowers, as well as an occasional fall of dew, you see masses and masses of stars. Flesh and blood ones I mean, well, flesh anyway, red cross pretty active in that district. One day I was on one of the sets at one of the studios, watching them make a picture. One guy was saying to another guy, "you actors, you've got a single tracked mind? Why only last week you had the opportunity to go with a great institution. But no, you didn't want to do that. You wanted to stay here and be my guinea pig. Get out of my office.

Bonar: Well, now, what can we talk about? Oh, a globe. Now, who would have thought to find that there? I would. For the world, the world, as you no doubt know, is round. Something like an orange, only it doesn't taste as good. Let's spin the globe and see what wonderful adventures are in store for us. Hmm, Pacific Ocean. Nothing much there except a lot of water. Let's try again. Oh, Hamburg. Nothing much there either. And so we travel on.

Bonar: Ah, Africa. What great names this wonderful continent conjure up for us? Livingston, Stanley, Rhodes. Rhodes, Stanley... and what can we see in darkest Africa? Well, as a matter of fact, it's very difficult to see anything in darkest Africa. So let's travel on.

Bonar, Ah, Spain, land of gay caballeros, dark eyed senoritas and Tyrone Power. Dark eyed senoritas. How wellI remember my first bullfight. The crowd went wild with excitement. Beautiful women threw me the roses they carried in their teeth. I have those roses still. Naturally, I threw them back their teeth. And so we travel on.

Bonar: Hmm, India. How well I remember my first tiger hunt. I bagged six of them one day, backing in to a house, but they just wouldn't go away. And the women? Why in India you can buy a wife for seven and sixpence. Seven and sixpence. You know, that's not really very expensive when you figure out you get a house and three elephants thrown in. However, time grows short and we must leave this veritable Paradise and cross the mountains into Bola Bola Land. Now, the Bolas are a fearsome, primitive tribe. Personally, I wouldn't trust one as far as he could throw me. The head tribesmen are called jerks, which is equivalent to the English word jerk or dictator. I'd like to describe the peculiar way in which these people dress, which always looks to me as if they were perpetually being surprised in an embarrassing situation. They wear a kind of a striped headdress with a thingame down around here. Clothes, you know.

Sand dance (incl. Moments Musicaux no.3 (in Fmin)
(Schubert) & Ballet Egyptien (Luigini) etc)
d) Wilson & Keppel.

Brian: Hello everybody, this is Brian Michie speaking. And now we are going to listen to... I'm so sorry, there seems to be some misunderstanding here. Just a moment ladies and gentlemen. Lights! Well, if it isn't my friend Harry Davis. How are you?

Harry: I am glad to see you. Aren't you getting fatter?

Brian: Oh, Harry, please. In the best place we say stouter.

Harry: Ah, the trouble is, you're getting fatter in the worse places. Oh, by the way, have you met my partner, Oscar Rabin?

Brian: But of course I know Oscar, How are you? Now, where was the last place we met? Was it on the set at Warners or the London Palladium?

Oscar: I'm afraid it was at a troop concert somewhere in the Orkneys.

Brian: Oh, so it was.

Harry: Why were you seasick?

Brian: Seasick? Do you know when we got to the boat for the journey home, the captain handed me my stomach. Now, Harry. Oscar, I think the audience would like to meet the boys. So what about introducing them?

Harry: Delighted. At the Novachord, Eddie Palmer. Johnny Dennis with his guitar. Drums, Ladie Walden. At the bass fiddle Schnozzle.

Hawaiian War-Chant (Hawaiian trad. adpt. Johnny Noble & Prince Leleiohaku)
Serenaders quartet*

Perfidia (m.Alberto Dominguez Eng.w.Milton Leeds)
i) ‘The Starlight Serenaders’ (quartet*)
ii) Ted (Edmund) Hockridge (acc. quartet)

[The End]

* members of Oscar Rabin band (dir. by Harry Davis) - Eddie Palmer (Novachord), Johnny Denis (gtr/hawaiian gtr), Ladie Walden (drums) & ‘Schnozzle’ (bass)

Music specially recorded for this film.

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